My void is bigger than your void!

Here’s (some of) what wikipedia has to say (or at least had to say at the time I write this, because I may change it) has 18 meanings. Here are a few I chose

  • useless; ineffectual; vain.
  • devoid; destitute (usually fol. by of ): a life void of meaning.
  • without contents; empty.
  • something experienced as a loss or privation

So void is a nothing. So how can ‘nothing’ have size? I am not a big man, but I feel like the void inside of me is huge, that it can fill Camp Nuo. How can nothing, fill something so big, whilst living inside of me?! And how come it takes space?!

Today it is a month since Amir was killed. Definitely the worst month of my life. Heck, in a second, 2010 turned from a good/ok year to shit.

Handling the pain is something I deal with by turning it into positive energy. Trying to think of Amir as a motivation, as a driver. Many times as I ride home and climb that hill – I think of how Amir could’ve outlasted me, so I try and compete with him. Some older brother envy, for the first time.

Today is the hardest day since we’ve come back home to London. Haringey council got off their back sides and finally fixed the school thing for the kids and we’re settling into a routine. But today I just can’t escape the pain, can’t control it, can’t push it in the directions I want. I just cry.

Climbing into Muswell Hill is not easy – she is a tough mistress to tame. But whilst crying and feeling empty it is even harder.

I feel like this blog, though I never write too often, may take a dark turn and become a wailing wall. I don’t want that. I want to write happy things. But happy doesn’t get much air-time these days.

It is also interesting how this impacts, or doesn’t, our boys. #1 who is 9 understands this the best. He has really grown in an instant. We could see immediately that his approach to his younger brothers has changed. That he has grown. And today as I cried in my room he came and hugged me. He had the perfect medicine. A 9 year old. What a boy! The others are too young to understand or know what this means.

We’ve put a picture of Amir in our living room. The one from the post about his death. It is my favourite, along with a picture from when he was 3. #4 goes to the picture and says ‘Ameer’. It is funny how he absorbed that! He never met Amir, only ‘spoke’ to him on skype a few times.

I think I need to write more on my blog. More on how I feel and more about happier things.

Igenson and I, Livigno 2003

Igenson, #2 and I, Livigno 2003


About snailonabike
I cycle, I run, I live, I have a family, I write code for a living, I have an opinion

One Response to My void is bigger than your void!

  1. Erez Somech says:

    Amir was an amazing person. Kind, extremely smart, pretty and modest. His death is a great loss and an enormous tragedy to anyone who knew him. A painful kick to the stomach.
    Yet I am happy I had the opportunity to meet him and share the little time I was given with this incredible person. Humanity doesn’t provide of his kind that often.
    Rest in peace, Amir.

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